I had to take a mental break from posting. Everything I was writing was negative and it was so frustrating to me. I know I don’t want to add negativity to my life, so I didn’t feel like sharing was right for me the last few days. I was doing yoga and meditating still, but I will share the pictures now that I am writing again. Doing this yoga challenge has been difficult for me in a number of ways, I expected it to be difficult physically but actually emotionally was harder for me. This has been so amazing for me, it has helped me build strength, increase my flexibility, grow emotionally, push me mentally, and I have learned how valuable having a friend in your yoga coach is. Not only has Avril taught me poses, she has given me beautiful writing prompts, and has become somewhat of a therapist for me. If anyone would like to try having an online coach, I highly, highly recommend her. She is truly a beautiful person inside and out.
I had some family and personal things going on that I don’t feel like sharing. Friday after dialysis I felt the worst I’ve felt in a very, very long time. It broke me because it was Jobe’s birthday and all I wanted to do was spend the day with him. I couldn’t do it, I had to go lay down and I felt so guilty for being apart from him that I couldn’t fall asleep. When I feel that terrible, the only thing to make me feel better is sleeping. I feel guilty when I can’t do anything. I hate myself because I can’t help cook, or clean, or do anything. I feel like a burden to my family instead of a help or an asset. There comes a point when positivity and optimism can’t take you any further and you just have to let it be. Allow yourself to stop forcing those emotions and let whatever you are truly feeling come through. The thing is, you can’t be taken over by those emotions, you can’t let them last forever. Eventually you need to tuck those negative things behind and force yourself to do something that makes you happy. That makes you feel good. That takes us back to yoga, I feel that a physical activity is the best way to change a bad mood into a good one. Something that is difficult physically so your mind is focused on it. Sweat it out, I always say.
My yoga pose today was Upward Salute (Urdhva Hastasana) I love this stretch, it’s full body awareness. I ground down through my feet and reach as high as I can in this pose. I love stretching my body, so this is a great and easy pose for me. I was instructed to use my arms to sweep in all I want in life. There are a few things I want in life, one of which I cannot do much about… my health. I am letting go of that desire. I cannot fix that in which I have no control over, so trying can just drive me crazy. That is something I’ve known, but I don’t always do well. I want to be healthy, so I do try hard. I take care of what I can and understand my body is not always mine to fix. There are many things I want that I do have control over. I want more love, more happiness, and more peace. To make more room for these things I have do as I just said, release that of which I can’t control. I have the ability to love people for who they are, but not for who I want them to be. So I need to love all of them, giving away love will always get you more in return. Love is a beautiful thing like that. I need to let go of judgements because they cause stress and hurt others. Judging others and causing yourself causes friction and pain. If I desire more peace, I have no room for those emotions. People that are different from me help the world go round, if we were all the same it would be a very boring life.
I need to release the things that stress me out. I need to do this by continuing to write about my days and life, writing for me is a great way to release whatever is bothering me. It might be like going to therapy for others. I have always preferred writing to talking to people because my paper doesn’t have emotions. I can’t make it sad with my words. It doesn’t judge me and I can’t hurt it. Writing - wether I choose to share it or not - is my therapy and helps me release my negativity. If you want more, you have to make room for more. Our minds can only hold so much.
BTW, I spent my whole day painting... ignore my dirty clothes and hands.