I learned pretty early on in this yoga challenge that this was more a challenge about spending time and learning about myself than the actual yoga. Of course I am enjoying the yoga, but I’m enjoying being introspective even more. Today I was in the worst mood I remember being in for a very long time. I was yelling at everyone and I don’t ever yell. It takes a lot for me to even raise my voice and I really yelled at Jobe and was super nasty to my grandparents both. Then just for good measure I went and yelled at Elmer blaming him for making me yell at everyone else. At that point I knew my day was just over. I would feel guilty all day for being angry the moment I woke up and wouldn’t be able to change my attitude. I know I talk about peace and love and light and patience and all that stuff, and I try really hard. However, sometimes life does get to me. Somedays I’m more human than I’d like to admit, more human than my family probably likes me to be. Writing about how I feel everyday has made me more aware of just how often I feel badly. I’m sick of the quarantine, I miss the rest of my family and hugs. I’m tired of always being tired. My cup was overflowing yesterday and not of joyful things, but completely overwhelmed.
Yesterday my “yoga” consisted of a four hour drive and music blasting. Singing my heart out to Alanis Morissette “Jagged Little Pill” and Dirty Heads and Eminem. Crying when a song hit me a certain way and drumming my hands on the steering wheel when it hit me others. I drove down to see my father and went and had a social distanced take out dinner with my brother. He listened to me complain and made me laugh. I always feel better after hanging out with my brother, he’s one of my best friends. I needed a day of getting out of my house even if it was a long drive to no where. Actually I think especially because it was a long drive to no where. I got to think back oh the last couple of weeks and realized I’m not perfect. I can’t be perfect. The goal is to just do my best.
After getting home I apologized to gram for my behavior earlier in the day. Dang do I hate apologizing, but I was wrong. When you’re wrong you need to admit it, apologize for it, and put it behind you. That’s the only way to have other people forgive you and for you to forgive yourself. It’s important to be able to forgive yourself when you do something wrong. I used to never be able to get over when I made a mistake, I would dwell on it for weeks or months or even years. To be happy I think it’ important to learn how to forgive others and yourself.
I didn’t get home from my drive until after 10pm and I was so emotionally spent I didn’t do my exercises. I will get back on track tomorrow. Thanks for riding and dying with me these last few days. I appreciate all your love and support!
P.S. I just wanted to show you pictures of what I did do today. I read and I drove. Also, no, I did't wear a mask while driving. It was just a photo op.