Yoga was easier today, I finally LET GO! I breathed at my own pace and was in my zone. That is, until Jobe came in. Again. As always when I want 90 minutes to myself at 8-9pm (his time to watch tv or play video games) he has to be at my door, pushing it open, talking to me through it. It’s starting to drive me banana sandwich. Is anyone else over this quarantine yet? Wooo-saaa. That’s all I can do, keep breathing. Obviously I love my son, but he’s overwhelming. Anyone who knows him, knows what I mean. He’s sweet, he’s thoughtful, and he’s a handful. He always needs attention, constantly. Then when I try to do something for myself, he makes me feel bad. “Wow! I just wanted a hug!” Seriously? Do your kids guilt trip you? Mine does. I should have had at least two kids so they could entertain each other.
My pose tonight was Plank Pose (Phalakasana) which is one of my favorite ab exercises actually. My prompt is about a time I needed to engage my core strength? Plank Pose strengthens our core not only in the physical body but the emotional body too. I think I’m going to take this one more physical right now, because my emotional strength is clearly in the toilet with how annoyed I am at my son. So I will talk about how after I had my transplant I had no core strength at all, zero. They cut you open through your sternum and up both pectoral muscles under your arm pits. (I think those are still pectoral muscles.) I wasn’t allowed to lift anything heavier than five pounds for six months. No push ups, no sit ups, nothing to strain any of those incisions. I also laid in a hospital bed for 3-4 months before my transplant and was another 1-2 before I left the hospital after. I was weak. Everywhere, but especially in my core. I couldn’t sit up from my bed for a long time after I got out of the hospital. They have to teach you to roll on your side and you can’t push with your arms (you’re not supposed to but it’s hard not to), and kind of have someone else help you sit up.
The whole transplant was the most miserable thing ever. I'm being brutally honest here. It’s hard to be confident when you had someone wipe your ass for several months of your life. I never imagined the things I would have to learn over. Getting up off the toilet, I had to have a lifted seat and bars on the side so I could stand up easier. Brushing your teeth sitting down because you couldn’t stand on your own and brush your teeth at the same time. Washing up in a chair. All of these things take massive core strength I no longer had. I feel like I’m still working on getting some of it back. I find showering to be quite exhausting still. This is why I love yoga, it strengthens your body, while integrating your mind too. You hold poses and use your own body to strengthen itself. It’s a very powerful form of exercise for me. I feel strong mentally and physically after.
My mind seems to be calmer now that I did some writing so I’m going to get back on my mat and do some meditation now. I hate being frustrated with my son. I hate not being able to control my mind. I need to work on my mental strength as well as my physical strength. I will conquer this mountain I feel I’m climbing eventually. I will be stronger than I was before, I don’t care how long it takes me to get there. My body is weak, but my mind is strong. Emotional and mental mountains I am good at climbing, but soon… I’m going to be just as good at climbing physical ones.