Well, yoga tonight was more of the same if not worse. All of a sudden during warrior pose I felt like I was going to pass out and I couldn’t breathe. I wasn’t doing any sun salutations or anything remotely challenging, nothing straining. I think my bloated belly was just pushing up on my lungs and I couldn’t breathe. So, I stopped. Unlike the day before I was ok with it. I also struggle with yoga and finding my breath, it’s so much about that that I feel like I’m doing it wrong. Avril reached out to me and told me that yoga is not about everything I can’t do, but everything I can. She has said so many truly wise and helpful things to me I couldn’t have made it this last week without her.
So I sat on my mat and focused on deep breaths that didn’t make me more short of breath. I don’t know if everyone understands this or not, but sometimes deep breathing actually makes me more short of breath. Just the mere force of pushing my ribs out of the way so my lungs can expand is too much sometimes. I was used to breathing shallowly before my lung transplant that my body doesn’t actually physically know how to do it. I’ve been trying to learn for two years, but haven’t been able to push myself far enough physically to get it down yet. Eventually, I will master this thing you all call breathing!
My pose for today was Cow Pose (Bitilasana). I usually start my practice with some Cat-Cow’s to loosen up and limber out my spine, so this was perfect. I have a lot of back and neck pain from my scoliosis rods, which make it so I can’t fully bend in the middle, but I do think yoga helps that pain a lot. So I loosened up with some Cat-Cow’s and some tail wagging, then got winded, and almost had a mini panic attack thing. My all-knowing son, some how knocked on my door that very second and said, “mom, are you ok?” He poked his head in and asked if I was crying. I told him no, to which he looked very suspicious and said, “but your eyes are so shiny!” I wasn’t actually crying, just holding back tears. He got me my pulse oximeter and blood pressure cuff so I could make sure I was physically ok. I waited a few minutes to calm down and then everything was mostly fine. My blood pressure was a little high, but it often is. I gave up for the night and snuggled into bed and watched Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century with Jobe. It was the perfect finish to my night, I needed it.
My writing prompt for today is about stubbornness. It asked, “In what ways are you or when have you been stubborn? Has that helped or hindered you, or both?” I had to laugh. I’m basically the most stubborn person I know and I say that as the mother of a VERY stubborn (nearly) teen. Being stubborn throughout my life has helped me in many ways, it taught me perseverance, hard work, listening to your gut, and a million other things. I honestly think the only reason I’m alive is because I’m too stubborn to die. I’m not exaggerating either! I've done many things people told me I couldn't do. On the flip side, it’s gotten me in lots of trouble over the years too. Mostly in school, or at jobs, or in relationships. Most of those things I’m uncompromising on. School was a struggle, jobs I’ve just quit on the spot, good men I’ve left. Do I think it’s good or bad or both? Definitely both, I think it’s important to be wise enough to know when to use it. To stick to your guns on some things, while being flexible with others. You can’t always think you’re right, because you aren’t. It was a hard pill for me to learn how to swallow, but I think I’ve finally learned that over the years. Actually, who am I kidding? I think I’m still stubborn to a fault. If I’m going to have bad qualities such as stubbornness, I mines well not lie about them! I am learning though!