Tonight was hard, really hard. I would have sworn this would get easier but maybe with my health problems that’s just not possible for me right now. I’m trying to do the easiest videos I can find. I often do night time “relaxing” flows, but even those I can’t make it through. After doing some cat-cows I basically sat on my mat trying not to cry. I’m usually not a crier, but since my dad passed away in November I feel like tears are so easy to come by. I know everyone says tears aren’t a sign of weakness, I just wholeheartedly disagree. They also give me a massive headache so I try to shy away from them. I know everyone is going to tell me they don’t mean I’m weak.. trust me I’ve heard it before. Here’s the thing, when you cry, other people tend to cry and that’s just not my jam. I prefer my jam of the raspberry variety. Ok, I promise that is the only bad dad joke I will ever tell. Mostly I try not to cry because my kid gets worried when I cry and seeing how he can’t go five minutes without popping his head into my room, I didn’t want to worry him.
Back to yoga.
Tonight’s pose was Cat Pose (Marjaiasana). Like I said, I did a few Cat-Cow’s but had to quit because of my bloated belly. I'm just so uncomfortable and have a hard time breathing. It was also hard for me to meditate because I can’t get out of my own damn head. I keep coming back to wondering why I can’t do this and start feeling sorry for myself. You know what’s worse than being an unhealthy person? Feeling fucking sorry for yourself. It gets you no where, it accomplishes nothing, and it's demoralizing. Let’s all just join my pity party for a minute, huh? I'm realizing I want to be something I’m not anymore. I don’t know how to deal with it. Which is ironic because my prompt for the day is about being adaptable and about a time I feel I have been. I was going to talk about how I’ve had to adapt to a whole new life after my lung transplant. However, maybe I’m not adapting as well I thought earlier.
I expected so much after my lung transplant, watching all of the other people with CF have these new miraculous lives, how they’re able to do so many things they never were able to. Mostly I never let CF hold me back until a couple of years before my transplant. I did everything I wanted to, I worked my ass off, I moved away to learn about myself, I traveled. I thought my life after would be at least twice as good as those times. However, the adaption I’ve had to get used to is being weak, not being able to walk, learning to do it all over again. I remember once I slid off my couch onto the floor after my transplant and realized I couldn’t get up. I didn’t even think about the fact I could hardly walk so I probably couldn’t get up off the floor. No one was home, it was one of the first times I was home alone and I almost had a panic attack sitting there on the floor. With a lot of determination and exhausting myself I did get up but it wasn’t easy.
So here I am, adapting to this new life I have. Feeling like shit and going to dialysis because I’m in kidney failure. Wondering if all of this was even worth it. Or wondering when it will all be worth it. Then things like me not being able to exercise happen and I realize I will never get stronger without being able to push myself. Wondering if it’s even safe for me to push myself. Exercise is good for everyone, isn’t it? I don’t know anymore.
I’m not sure this writing is doing me any good right now, I think I need to sign off for today and try again tomorrow. Which is exactly what I’ll do because I don’t give up. I keep going, I keep fighting, long after I should have been dead and people don’t understand why or how - I keep fighting. I suppose it’s a form of adaptability.