Lost in the grey sauce?

After writing this I sent it over to Alexis to be read, I knew it was all jumbled, and confusing, and pretty whiny, so as in all good partnerships - I deferred to my partner. She read it and her response was better than I could think of, as it so often is, she said, "It is whiny and all over the place, but I think you should still post it. It's a really good example of an inner monologue and most people will agree with what you're saying." That made more sense than my whole post to me. What I had written were thoughts that were screaming through my head at the moment I wrote, I followed whatever random path they took me on, I complained, and I got over whatever was ailing me. That is why I write, to express myself visibly where I can go back and read it. So often when I'm upset I don't know which way to turn, but by writing, I can't make head or tails of what's going on inside my head until I write it down. It's been my therapy for as long as I can remember. Once I write it down, I can move on. It's been proven that by writing down what ails you, your mind lets it go.. By physically writing something down, our mind knows we have stored it somewhere else and doesn't have to waste space holding onto it anymore. Think of writing your thoughts down like a back up hard drive. Write them down, throw them away if they are something you don't want to think about ever again, or file them somewhere to look back on at some other time. My recommendation is to save everything - often in my past I have thrown away my words, but what I have saved, I love going back and reading because it brings me right back to that time and place and I can see how I have forgotten something I thought I could never get over. It proves to me how time heals everything. It shows me how I've grown. I personally like having that paper trail of thoughts. So, I have decided to share this post.. there is not much to it. There is no profound wisdom, or advice.. it's just me talking to myself.. trying to figure out where my head is at.

Sept. 13, 2017 (My brothers birthday)

How am I doing? Well, firstly.. I can’t seem to get out of my own mind. I suppose this is what we these days call anxiety? Stress? I just call it lost in the sauce, which has a much different meaning for me now than it did ten years ago. Now it means lost in my own churning grey matter, going down neural pathways, doing circles over and over again trying to solve problems I have neither the physical nor mental capacity to solve. I suppose that happens to the best of us, it’s a bit hard to solve problems we don’t care about. So by worrying we take the time to mull over our problems to find a solution and then come up with a plan to fix them. Or that's what I do, incessantly thinking about the same thing over and over is very pointless - unless you can come up with a solution. As Einstein said, “we can’t solve our problems using the same thinking we used when we created them,” sometimes to fix things we have to get a bit creative. Which is why I haven’t been able to get out of my own mind. I don’t know how to fix the problems I have right now.

The major one being that I really don’t feel very well and I just got out of the hospital. I had surgery on my sinus’ hoping that would be the major jump start I needed to feel better, and I really feel worse. I felt better the first couple of days after surgery and now I keep seeming to get worse. Not just feeling wise - I’m physically much worse. My oxygen saturation was 97 when I got out of the hospital, it is now 89-90 on room air - worse with activity. It was down to 84 after walking up the stairs. Also this last time I was in the hospital my PFT’s (the test used to determine my lung functions, how much air I can take in and blow out.) were worse after being in the hospital for a week than they were the month before I went in. My heart rate is quite high at rest and I really don’t feel myself.

It’s frustrating when you take really good care of yourself and you still feel bad. I’ve been exercising, I’ve been sleeping well, doing all of my medications, nebulizers, air way clearances, etc. It sucks enough to not feel well if you haven’t been able to take the best care of yourself, but when you have been.. it’s even more so. l’m finding myself getting frustrated with others for complaining about how they feel.. some people I just want to shake awake and tell them how lucky they are to be born with a normal body that they are ruining through smoking, drugs, alcohol, food, or whatever other vice they have. I’ve never been the type to get mad at others for dealing with their own problems, I’ve always been sympathetic and kind. However when you see what an overpopulated mess the world is.. is it really fair that we are keeping people who don’t do what they need to, alive? I don’t think it makes sense for me to be kept alive, not really.. but at least I fight for it. I can’t just hope pharmaceutical companies will see value in my health problems and solve them - because there isn’t enough value in my disease to justify that much money in research. Not enough people have C.F. to make it profitable.

My sympathy meter is just about maxed out with trying to feel bad for people who create their own problems. We all do it, to some extent or another.. but with their health? After they have been told what they need to do to get better? Damn, and I’ll just be over here waiting for someone to die so I can live. Not morbid at all.. People want the magic pill, the easy solution, the path of least resistance.. Well guess what? We are humans, we are animals, there is no easy path to living. You should not get to make bad decisions your whole life and then get the quick fix when you're staring down the barrel of your own smoking gun. Exercise can help almost all aspects of poor health, you get up and do a little bit each day. Each day you do more than you did before. You stop what’s bad for you and you add what’s good for you. Each day you close your mouth and stop the negativity from escaping. It’s all you can do, because this life is not symbiotic anymore. It’s humans against humans, humans against nature, humans against animals. We are bringing on the depression and stress and negativity by taking ourselves away from the planet we were born on. I’m sure my foul mood has almost as much to do with the fact I was stuck inside glass and cement for 13 days as with anything else. I couldn’t taste the fresh air, smell the sweet grass, feel the sun on my face.. It depresses me when I can’t get out in nature.. and since I got home, I haven’t felt well enough to get out much either.

Do you hear me bitching about people bitching and then preaching not to bitch? There’s a bunch of irony here in this post, but I can’t seem to crawl out of this dark hole I’ve found myself in the last week or so. Maybe writing how fed up with people I am, I’ll feel better. It’s not even so much the people who don’t do everything they can to take care of themselves, it’s the fact I have been and I still feel awful. I’m being self-deprecating. I’m being hypocritical. and I’m being honest. I’m tired of feeling badly, but I don’t have a choice. My choices are to stop fighting or to fight harder. Not much of a choice in my mind. So, I’ll sit here with oxygen being forced into my body, with my upper lip sweating, my nose getting dried out.. just so I can breathe. And tomorrow, I hope to find the sunshine it takes to bring me back to reality. A reality where I know if I fight hard enough, I can change myself - I may not be able to bring my health to where I want it to be.. but I can be better than where I am right now. I cannot change others, but I can change myself. I hope.